If You Hate Facebook, Do This

Deleting your profile is just the beginning

Zuck, New and Improved (Photo: Meta PR)

This week, I’ve read a dozen declarations from fellow Meta alumni who are deleting their Facebook profiles once and for all! My ex-colleagues are outraged that Mark Zuckerberg ended fact-checking on the platform, dismantled the company’s DEI programs, and announced the imminent removal of tampons from men’s bathrooms in corporate offices.

The author before all his hair fell out

These issues are very important, so I uphold the aggrieved parties’ right to protest. In fact, I think they should go even further! Here’s my parting message to them:

Dear Disgruntled former co-workers,

You are so right to be upset! After all, Facebook is evil, racist, anti-trans, and objectively discriminatory to women. For these reasons, I support the deletion of your Facebook and Instagram accounts; you should also remove WhatsApp from your phone. But don’t stop there! Burn your old company t-shirts and hoodies. Scrub any reference to “Meta,” “Zuckerberg,” and “the social graph” from your LinkedIn profile and tell people you used to work at Myspace or GeoCities. Oh, one other thing—since you want no association whatsoever with Zuck’s inherently malignant network, don’t forget to return the money you made from your Facebook stock.

Yes, I’m serious. You can keep the salary, benefits, and even the 401-k match. You don’t have to purge the free meals you got in the cafeterias, give back the $4,000 in “Baby Cash” from when your child was born, or reimburse the value of your incredibly generous maternity or paternity leave. We won’t even mention the cost of the laptop peripherals you co-opted from the tech supply kiosks. 😉

But Facebook—er META—stock, that’s blood money, partner. The company’s $1.5 Trillion market cap was built on values you simply cannot—and should not—tolerate. Your share of it, large or small, is tied directly to Russian influence, gutted data privacy, Whiteness, and the ascension of President-elect Voldemort. Worst of all, it’s also how Zuck pays for his Jiu-Jitsu lessons, gold chains, and Drybar blowouts.

So, you need to distance yourself from this tainted treasure in every way possible. Feeding your kids with this filthy lucre makes them privileged accessories after the fact. You might as well serve them a breakfast of soft-boiled transphobia with a side of Patriarchy Flakes. And you can’t claim ignorance because, well, why else would you be making such a show of leaving the platform? So, finish the job!

Purge yourself of the Scarlet M in your portfolio. I don’t mean donate it to a charity that suits your political sensibilities, as that would just be passing the moral buck to your favorite non-profit. I mean, GIVE IT BACK. Return all these putrid proceeds, plus appreciation and/or the assets you acquired after liquidating your sordid, grimy shares.

Did you buy a home (or homes) with a downpayment from a sale on the secondary market? You can’t raise your family under that fetid roof of digital colonialism! Sell it. Cars? They go too. Vacations paid for by stock options? Tuition funded by RSUs? Claw all that back for the sake of your conscience.

Once you’ve liquidated these assets, wire the money to “Meta Platforms, Inc.” in Menlo Park, CA, and liberate yourself from this financial toxin. You will be cleansed – renewed, reborn, free of the Original Sin of Facebook and your tiny contribution thereto. Most importantly, you’ll have the satisfaction of having lived your values!

Unlike Mark Zuckerberg, you care about your fellow human beings more than you do about money. You are a person of substance and integrity who fights for what is right. Most importantly, you’re not just another social media-empowered, performative attention whore – you are a person of action!

So show the world who you are and stroke that check. You can DM me a photo on Twitter Bluesky!

Love,

Paul

@paulollinger.bsky.social

Former West Coast Sales

THE END (but don’t stop reading)

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Comedy Stuff:

This weekend, I am headlining six shows at McCurdy’s Comedy Theater in Sarasota, FL. I also have shows coming up in Atlanta, Chicago, White River Junction VT, and—just in time for spring break—Colorado ski towns of Vail, Avon and beyond. Click here for more details.

Paul’s Book:

Didja know that I have compiled 100% of my wisdom into a new collection of 46 essays called Reasonably Happy?Anthony Scaramucci—yes, that Anthony Scaramucci who will be on my podcast next month—read it and remarked that it was “funny and philosophical.” The book makes a great, if somewhat passive-aggressive, gift for that new college graduate or young adult child who will not move out of your basement. You can buy it here or DM me for dozens of signed copies.

The Podcast:

Check out this week’s Reasonably Happy podcast with comedian and avid Substacker

Matt Ruby

. The New York Times called Matt’s comedy “funny and button-pushing.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but he’s super smart and has great insights into comedy and life. We discuss happiness, the craft of comedy, and how his mom used to date the original drummer for the Velvet Underground. (True story.)

I love you. Have a wonderful day.