Dear Emir of Qatar,

Have I got a proposal for you!

TO: Your Highness Emir Al Thani & Esteemed Members of the Qatari Shura Council

FROM: Paul Ollinger, Comedian and Podcaster

RE: Proposal for Qatari-American Comedy Club in New York City

DATE: 23 May 2025

Dear Friends,

Warmest salutations from the United States, where we welcome the enhanced presence of you, our Gulf State brethren. I greet you in the same spirit of human camaraderie in which you bequeathed Donald Trump a $400 million Boeing 747.

Unfortunately, some American killjoys are calling your generous jet-gift to our President a ‘violation of the Emoluments Clause’—as if friendship were unconstitutional.

In their analysis of this unobjectionable act of kindness, reporters have surfaced the extraordinary amount of Qatari money that has flowed to American universities, think tanks, PR agencies, and lobbying firms over the past two decades. This is leading some journalists to suggest that Qatar is bribing the United States into forgetting that you are a human rights-violating, petro-autocracy.

But not me! I don’t have any problem with your magnanimity. In fact, I think you guys are awesome—and that’s why I want to work with you!

Personally, I feel just as POTUS did when that nosy ABC correspondent asked him whether accepting the giant plane was appropriate. Our courageous leader replied, “They’re giving us a free jet. (I choose to) say thank you very much.”

My thoughts exactly! So while you’re in a generous mood, please take note of the attached proposal to fund a brand-new Qatari-American Comedy Club on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It’s going to be called The Laughing Crescent, and you can make this happen for a paltry $14.2 million.

Let me be clear: I have no problems receiving your sincere generosity. While some people find it hypocritical that American colleges have accepted massive investments from a supposedly authoritarian regime that allegedly harbors—and perhaps occasionally funds—terrorists, might exploit migrant workers, reputedly bribes FIFA to get the World Cup, and is said to persecute women and LGBTQ people, I do not share these feelings.

Like Donald Trump—and unlike the haters—I understand that when you give $760 million to Georgetown, $740 million to Carnegie Mellon, or $600 million to Northwestern, it’s not bribery. It’s a cultural exchange with no strings attached—like lending your neighbor a camel, but for societal norms and mores.

In the spirit of academic development, these schools recognize that all ways of life must be respected on their own terms, no matter how retrograde the practices may appear to uptight Westerners who have become accustomed to women traveling without a male guardian.

I find nothing unethical about your traditions. My ethics are, to say the least, situational. And in this situation, I’d really like you to invest in my new comedy club! I promise that you will never hear me fuss about the fact that, in Qatar, women can be imprisoned for infidelity or that homosexuals are arrested on the streets of Doha for the crime of being gay. These things happen.

What has 2 thumbs and 0 qualms about alleged human rights issues? THIS GUY!

And I would never suggest that Qatari-funded Al Jazeera is a mouthpiece for Islamist groups and radical imams calling for the destruction of Israel. As a comedian, I understand that those guys are just free-styling, and—in the spirit of improv—we take what others say, then build on it. (It’s that whole “Yes, and…” thing, ammiright?)

So let’s build…together! We’re going to create the world’s most beautiful comedy club and produce amazing live shows that will make the Qatari brand more appealing to the coveted US 18–34-year-old demographic. Of course we’ll repurpose the video for the Al Jazeera TikTok and Instagram accounts. Projects currently in development include:

· Wahabbi Wednesdays

· Jihad Joke-off (No Bombs Allowed!)

· Sha-sha-Sharia! Where Hijab Meets Hilarity

· The Definitely NOT Gay Comedy Hour

And…

· That’s What She Said (After Her Brother Permitted Her to Speak)

Through humor and humanization, we will build goodwill for your misunderstood society. And all this for a measly $14.2 million!

That’s millions less than the $20 million+ you paid Brookings Institution to co-opt their intellectual credibility. And those guys are just a bunch of bookworm dorks who never got laid in college. I’m talking about comedy here. Comedians are way cooler!

Not only will thousands of patrons come to the club and enjoy the laughs, hookahs and hummus fountains, but we’ll also generate billions of social media views that will soften Americans’ misguided views about your heritage.

Like my habibi used to tell me, you can’t spell “Fundamentalist” without F-U-N. So let’s get together and make some laughs.

Don’t forget your checkbook.

THE END