The Four Kinds of Schadenfreude
Do you know what they are?
I have a theory - while everyone’s algorithm differs, there are three kinds of social media content that reliably make people happy:
Cute puppy videos,
Soldiers returning home / surprising their kids at school,
And…
Celebrities who have gotten fat
(Worry not—there will be no obesity-shaming here.)
The first two categories make sense. Puppy reels flood our amygdalae with oxytocin, and military reunions show humans at our most joyful. But the third category yields a darker version of “happiness.” It’s not delight—it’s schadenfreude.
Don’t pretend you didn’t snicker when, a few years back, Axl Rose reappeared looking as if he had eaten Bret Michaels. Or that, on some level, it didn’t make you feel better about yourself when you saw photos of the now frumpy ‘90s actress who looks like she spends all day cooking soup.
These images grab our attention because we’re tribal animals, constantly checking our place in the hierarchy. Someone else’s downfall means we’re doing better—if only by 1/8 billionth —or at least that’s what our petty-ass brains tell us.
While watching one of these delicious reels recently, I caught myself and wanted to understand what was going on in my head. So, I Googled schadenfreude, the German word for pleasure at someone else’s misfortune.
In addition to the worthwhile reminder that schadenfreude is most evident in people with low self-esteem, I learned that it manifests in four distinct ways, each of which sheds light on ourselves and the algo’.
Justice Schadenfreude: “They had it coming.”
If there’s a “good schadenfreude,” this is it. When jet-setting billionaires and princes who abuse underage girls get exposed, it restores balance to the universe.
This is why we devour stories connected to Jeffrey Epstein or Bernie Madoff—not just for the scandal, but for the possibility that powerful people might face consequences and for reassurance that life is fair. (Spoiler alert: it’s not.)
Rivalry Schadenfreude: “My team > your team.”
This one is tribal, and we all do it.
It makes me chuckle when my progressive friends point out all the Republicans in the Epstein files, while conveniently forgetting the numerous mentions of left-leaning folks like Bill Clinton, Noam Chomsky, Larry Summers, and Reid Hoffman.
Similarly, when my MAGA friends—and I have a great number of them—point to the credible allegations of Nancy Pelosi’s insider trading, they ignore the fact that the Trump family treats the White House like its personal piggy bank.
Consciously or not, we are all hoping to prove our rivals to be less smart, talented, or virtuous than we are. The algorithm feeds this bias and serves us an endless proof that we’re on the right side of history—or March Madness.
Envy Schadenfreude: “Oh thank God, they’re not perfect.”
Here’s where the chubby celebs come in. The former supermodel loses her thigh gap. Axl Rose can no longer pull off his leather pants (like, literally – they’re stuck around his thighs). It shows that these “special” people are just as vulnerable to gravity, UV rays, and trans fats as we are. And that soothes our insecurities.
Aversion Schadenfreude: “I just don’t like this person.”
Schadenfreude correlates with low empathy, which is why Instagram serves me videos of Britney Spears melting down and juggling knives.
When we enjoy seeing someone whom we thought never deserved their success lose their money or marbles, it might feel like karmic justice, but we’re just being a-holes. And social media has figured out that if it can identify whom you dislike or disdain, it can keep you watching forever.
So what’s your point, Paul?
Here’s the part I think I was missing before: Schadenfreude isn’t a bug in the system. It’s one of those core instincts (like fear, anger, and arousal) that the algorithm exploits. When my feed is full of perky boobs, I know I’m being manipulated. I don’t do anything about it, but I know.
Schadenfreude, on the other hand, can be harder to recognize, perhaps because the instinct is so deeply ingrained in our thinking. The uncomfortable truth here is that something that feels totally natural can be wildly counterproductive.
Relishing someone else’s weight gain doesn’t make me any healthier. Comparing my mental state to Britney’s or Gary Busey’s might pass the time, but won’t stop my own eventual cognitive decline.
So it’s probably best to focus our thoughts elsewhere. We won’t eliminate schadenfreude from our operating systems, but it’s possible to turn down the volume. When you recognize it, hit “Not Interested” and go watch some puppy videos.
At the very least, leave Britney—and for that matter, Axl—alone.
THE END (but see comedy dates below ↓↓↓
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