The 3 Best Words You Can Say to Your Spouse
It's not what you think
My wife and I recently completed a major geographical upheaval, relocating ourselves and our two teenagers from Atlanta to New York City. This move required logistical planning on the scale of a personal D-Day. From March through July, we sold two houses, bought one, divested 70% of our belongings, then relocated the remainder to the Big Apple. It was stressful.
Yet, at the apex of this chaos, in late June—do you know where I went for five days? To Naples, Sarasota, and Vero Beach, Florida. That’s right, while she was dealing with the between-homes limbo of a profoundly unglamorous Airbnb, I was goofing off and telling jokes to Tommy Bahama-clad Baby Boomers in the Sunshine State.
Why? Because my wife had encouraged me to do so with three of the most loving and supportive words you can offer your spouse: “you should go.”
To be clear, she didn’t mean, “I have had enough of you; you need to leave.” Rather, she was telling me, “This run of shows is a good opportunity—you should pursue it.” She says this a lot. Not coincidentally, when she had the chance to go to Costa Rica with some girlfriends the following week, I reciprocated without hesitation. Some philosophers might call this “enlightened self-interest.”
Admittedly, it’s much easier to spare a co-parent now that the kids are teenagers than it was when they were toddlers. We did grant each other weekends away back then, but it hurt. I remember one time, not an hour after Stacey had left for the airport, I had already dealt with multiple tantrums, dirty diapers, and literal spilled milk. I texted her, “Remind me, what time does your plane land on Sunday?”
Passive aggressive DM’ing aside, maybe it’s exactly when things are hardest that you should give your spouse a break. I was a busy chauffeur while she was in Costa Rica, but it was fine. The effort required in the move was going to suck either way, so neither of our trips really interfered. In fact, they provided each of us with a break from the busyness. She returned refreshed and, based on my performance in Sarasota, I booked a full headlining weekend in October (tell your friends!). So it paid off professionally as well.
Beyond the trips themselves, it’s the message behind the words that matters. “You should go” means, “I know this opportunity is important to you, so it is also important to me. I will handle things while you’re gone.” It means, “I trust you to enjoy your time away and then to be present when you get back.”
“You should go” means “maybe a few days on your own is good for you and I’m confident enough in our relationship that I don’t need you around all the time.” And, as our much smaller, urban apartment has reminded me, personal space in marriage is very healthy.
Stacey’s buy-in is especially meaningful to me because I am inclined to say ‘no’ to a lot of these kinds of discretionary trips. I often think I can’t or shouldn’t make time for such escapes, that they’re too expensive, or that I don’t “deserve” to go because I haven’t been getting enough done. For better or worse, this is how my brain works.
She knows I need her support, so she pushes me to break through this cognitive barrier. She knows I’ll feel better if I’m working. And when I’m happy with work, I’m a better husband and dad and less of a grumpy whiner.
A sarcastic therapist might ask, “Do you need a permission slip from your mommy before you allow yourself to do something you know to be worthwhile?” Perhaps I do, Sarcastic Therapist. Perhaps I do—because I try not to be a selfish and inconsiderate partner with no regard for how my decisions affect other people.
But that’s why I’m extra grateful that she is on my team. And maybe that’s the reason we find ourselves taking on a new adventure in the big city.
THE END (but see below)
See Paul tell jokes at a comedy club near YOU:
Dallas Comedy Club, September 26
Tulsa Loony Bin, September 29 (tix link forthcoming)
McCurdy’s Sarasota, 10/30-11/3
New Orleans, 12/12 (tix link forthcoming)
You've met my wife, Melinda. Her three words are "you do you" and she means it. What a difference that has made to a marriage still going strong after 33 years.