Obituary From the Not-Too-Distant Future
Exactly what are we leaving behind?
Gene Anderson of Greenville, SC passed away peacefully at home this past Thursday. He is survived by his wife, Susan, their three children, 41,550 unused frequent flyer miles, and almost 7,000 combined social media followers.
A devoted husband, father, and small businessman, Gene leaves behind his cherished offspring, valued clients of his accounting practice, and an impressive 4.97 Uber Rider rating, which would have been even higher, had he not allowed his wife to use his account for a raucous girls’ night out shortly after the 2020 quarantine.
Outside of work and family, Gene took particular pride in his collection of smoked meat videos, which earned him 4,373 followers of his @BigGreenGene TikTok account. You may have been one of the not quite 28,000 people who Liked his 2023 Grill Me, Thrill Me Tok in which, Gene claimed, he originated the hashtag #BrisketRizz.
For some reason, and despite no small effort, Gene never achieved the same resonance on Instagram despite paying for the blue check verified badge. This shortcoming vexed him until his final days, as he expressed to many of his friends. “Sure I could blow up The Gram,” Gene would say. “If I had some big ol’ boobies to shake for the camera!”
This didn’t sound nearly as predatory in person as it reads in print and was merely an expression of his well-founded frustration that Instagram prioritizes “lizard brain garbage” over subtle, intelligent commentaries on the wisdom of low taxes, Counting Crows B-sides, and the subtle genius of Guy Fieri. “Sometimes, you can’t get your point across in the three freakin’ seconds it takes to stop users from scrolling!” Gene often vented. He really preferred email.
Elaborating on this frustration, Paul—I mean Gene—frequently bemoaned that his videos didn’t scale because he refused to include “nonsensical” tags like #reels, insisting that it was both redundant and self-evident. “Why do I have to tell the algorithm it’s a reel when I’m clearly posting a reel?” he would ask rhetorically. “It’s like using #shorts on YouTube when I’m posting a 45-second vertical video. It’s obviously a short!”
Gene was very proud of his multi-decade Platinum and 1-Million-Miler status on Delta Airlines. He regularly earned upgrades on the carrier’s non-primary routes. When flying to or from Indianapolis or Myrtle Beach, Gene could expect a seat in First Class or at least Comfort+, though these promotions often happened at the last minute, after travelers with more status were accommodated.
On such occasions, Gene savored the extra leg room and unlimited Biscoff cookies. When his children were younger, Gene would stash extras in his laptop bag to bring home to the adoring youngsters. But as the kids became teenagers and spent more time with their friends, on their phones, or playing Xbox, Gene greedily consumed the caramelized biscuits himself, mumbling something about a generational lack of gratitude and “deserving some goddamn respect around here.”
Gene did not excel at athletics but faithfully monitored his physical activity on the Apple Health app. Averaging more than 9,000 daily steps, he stood up 14 out of 24 hours on most days, and slept 8.1 hours every night, including over 3 hours of Deep Sleep, which—according to Gene—is what really mattered. The app also indicated that he once drank at least 100 ounces of water each day for 11 straight days (this data was self-reported).
Gene never stopped learning. He earned a spot in the Top 1.5% of contributors to GoodReads on which he rated 351 audiobooks with his patented* Gene-O-Meter. In 2009, after Gene posted a humorous review of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, an account believed to belong to the author replied with a smiley-face emoji.
It’s unclear if Gene ever contributed money to charity, but he often re-posted socially-themed memes, including “This Shit Cray” and “We deserve better,” though it was unclear which shit be cray or what he meant by “better.” Gene's picture-less LinkedIn profile, which described him as a "Thought Leader, Disruptor, and Sandwich Enthusiast," had no posts since late 2018.
In lieu of flowers, the Anderson family requests you Like and Share Gene’s final reel Meet @MeatSweatsMike on which he collaborated with neighbor Mike Webb who, like Gene, also liked to grill and had trouble growing his social media following.
*He never got around to filing for a Patent
THE END (but check out the cool stuff below…)
Legendary sportscaster Jim Lampley had just signed a big, juicy contract with ABC Sports when new management came in and decided to get rid of him. As part of the scheme to get Jim to quit, his bosses pushed him out of the more desirable gigs and assigned him to boxing, which was considered to be a demotion.
Then something funny happened. Jim decided that he would give the new job his very best, became an expert in the strategies and personalities of the boxing, and developed a relationship with a young pugilist named Mike Tyson who would, in short time, take the sport to a whole other level of popularity.
Not long after, Lampley was hired to be the blow-by-blow announcer for HBO World Championship Boxing where his voice became the expected complement to a Tyson knockout and earned him a place in the International Boxing Hall of Fame.
On this week's Reasonably Happy Podcast, Jim shares some of the lessons from this career roller coaster:
Never stop learning.
Stay in the game, and
(in the words of his agent) "They can take your job, but they can't take your talent."
Jim also shared the story about how he felt when, to his horror, he realized that his good friend O.J. Simpson DID IT.
Check out our conversation here.
Loved this. We are a ridiculous people. 😆 and yes… cookies are for closers. ❤️