New Heineken ad is half-hearted B.S.
Marketing and ad agency folks took to social media late last week to gush over Heineken’s latest spot in which three pairs of strangers…
Marketing and ad agency folks took to social media late last week to gush over Heineken’s latest spot in which three pairs of strangers with opposing views on global issues (feminism, gender identity and climate change) find common ground over — you guessed it — a Heineken.
“See Pepsi — this is how you do it!” spewed the brand-comms cognoscenti, congratulating Publicis London with comments like:
“Bold. Very bold.”
“WOW”
And the classically non-specific,
“We all need to talk about our differences and beliefs.”
That’s a great idea! I’ll start: I believe this ad is insincere, non-committal drivel.
For starters, we’re congratulating a leading global brand for creative that is merely not as bad as the most cringe-worthy, ham-handed, tone-deaf, struggle-appropriating, social-pandering, celebutante-sucking-up ad in history.
“This year’s Low Bar ADDY goes to…”
Far worse than the “good on ya’ for not hiring a Kardashian,” the work perpetuates the cloying trend of CPG pontification on matters where brands have — at best — specious relevance. (See pitch-perfect SNL pitch spoof here.)
Okay, perhaps Heineken catalyzes the occasional discussion on substantive topics, but certainly no more often than it facilitates hangovers, DUIs and regrettable sexual encounters.
So if we’re going to explore questions related to beer consumption, let’s dig into the classics, like:
Q1: How did we get home last night?
A1: Don’t you remember making out with the Uber driver?
Q2: Who was that guy I hooked up with?
A2: I just told you — it was the Uber driver.
Q3: Why can’t I buckle my pants?
A3: Because beer has, like, so many carbs. Next time try a vodka-soda.
Show Your Commitment
I’ll wager a 12-pack the creative brief contained a line stating essentially: “remind socially-conscious Millennials that Heineken is a progressive, non-judgmental brand, which brings people together.”
Forgetting for a moment the banality of the objective, it nevertheless presents a sticky dilemma: how can you produce that kind of work without alienating the thirsty goons who drive brand volume?
You can’t.
So you equivocate. You seat these Neanderthals (all white men, btw) at the table where they behave somewhat reasonably and display their profound furniture-assembly skills. You settle for a feel-good, easily-shareable but meaningless non-stance like, “Hey man, we gotta talk more.”
Piffle.
If Heineken N.V. truly believes in pushing these important issues forward (I think it does), they could seize this opportunity to demonstrate their commitment.
Don’t preach subtly about accepting people regardless of sexual identity. Show me respected transgender employees working in the brewery or slinging cases onto green and white trucks.
Don’t give me a wink-wink lecture me on feminism. Show me the corporate policy mandating equal pay for equal work.
Don’t nudge-nudge me on the importance of climate change. Share data on how the company prioritizes sustainability over short-term profits.
Prove that your corporate values create a net positive for humanity and you will earn meaningful goodwill.
Otherwise — and for the love of whatever non-threatening, open-minded Higher Power you acknowledge — stick to the lanes where your product plays a legitimate role. Hook me up with some tickets to a football match. Get me backstage to meet my favorite band or comedian. Break a new act or expose me to an artist whose work I’ve never seen before.
Or — heaven forbid — just use that air time to guide me gently down the marketing funnel. Build my awareness. Drive my intent. Thrill me with some old-fashioned feature/benefit selling. Then blow my freaking mind with a compelling call-to-action.
Here — I’ll set you up with some pro bono copy:
Heineken: It’s delicious beer that makes you feel good. Buy some.
Heineken: Our brand equity comes from decades of commitment to modest, honest quality. We won’t make you look like a hipster clown.
Heineken: We would never insinuate ourselves into a conversation about race, religion or the rights of women. And if we did, we’d tell you how we really feel. Give us a try.
Of course, this is all just my opinion. If you disagree with me, I’d love to discuss it with you over a beer.
(But we both know that’s not going to happen.)