How to Talk to Famous People
Celebrity Etiquette for Nobodies
Living in New York City means accidentally sharing public spaces with famous people. Whether you’re riding the subway, shopping at Warby Parker, or standing on line* at Pop-up Bagels, you bump into them everywhere.
You should never be intimidated by an actress or rock star just because he or she is way richer and more beautiful than you. But in case you are, here are a few pointers.
Take a selfie. By definition, celebrities crave attention. They might pretend to be perusing fresh produce at the farmers market with their toddlers, but they’re desperately hoping for a photo with a stranger. Since they have no “reasonable expectation of privacy,” go ahead and start snapping. Be sure to get the children in the shot.
Tell them a very long story. When you meet someone from your favorite TV show, you must demonstrate that your lives are connected. They’ll be fascinated to learn that your cousin’s high school boyfriend went to college with their Uncle Bob (the one who was in that combine accident). A passive-aggressive nod to their humble beginnings will remind them that their success is a random coincidence, having little to do with innate talent or work ethic.
Share Overly Personal Information. Do you have money problems, a prescription pill habit, or a fungal infection? By all means, describe each of these in minute detail to Mariska Hargitay at the meat counter. After all, if she didn’t want to hear about your most embarrassing ailments, why did she come to Zabar’s?
Critique their work. Similarly, when you find yourself standing next to Sarah Jessica Parker on the C train, let her know how you feel about the Sex and the City reboot, e.g., “Too many lesbians!” And if you ever see a famous comedian at the Harlem DMV, tell them a joke starting with “a guy goes to the doctor,” then give the comic permission to use it in his or her act. They will thank you for it.
Offer your opinions about their life choices. Celebrities want to know how their most personal—and often quite painful—experiences resonate with the general public. Whether it’s a dissolved marriage, a terminated pregnancy from their college years, or a public scandal involving their children (the ones who lived), definitely chime in with your thoughts. If a network news anchor’s husband cheated on her, suggest that it was her fault. If an actor’s child has well-publicized mental health challenges, tell him his “spoiled kid needs Jesus in her life.” Never mind that you’ve punted on two ex-spouses, can’t balance your checkbook, and serve yourself Xanax from a Pez dispenser, celebrity life choices are everyone’s business.
Give them financial advice. Because celebs are busy being famous, they don’t have time to seek out innovative investment vehicles. I bet Debra Messing has never even heard of Bitcoin! So it’s up to you to break crypto down for her on the M86 bus. And if you ever bump into Kevin Bacon while waiting for your chai latte, tell him you never would have fallen for “the Bernie Madoff thing.” He’ll appreciate the sentiment.
Get their contact information. Even though you share a great moment with Hugh Jackman at the restaurant urinal, he might be too shy to ask you for your digits. So while he’s washing his hands, grab his phone and start punching in your number. He’ll definitely call.
Pretend You Don’t Know Who They Are. **Pro level move** I once snuck into a party of very important people. After serving myself generously from the buffet and open bar, I chose a seat on the banquette next to a beautiful woman. I said, “Hi, I’m Paul.” She replied with a polite smile, “Hello, I’m Beyonce.” I shook my head, chuckled, and said “Sure you are.” Then we laughed and laughed. Now I’m on the Carters’ Christmas card list.
Invite them to be on your Podcast. Most importantly, because well-known people you meet randomly want to help legitimize your tiny vanity project, you should beseech them to appear on your podcast. If they don’t agree immediately, follow them down the sidewalk, loudly shaming them for selfishness:
“As if you’re soooo busy, Mo Rocca! It’s not like you’re Mariska Hargitay!”
So there’s your play book. Let me know how it goes.
THE END
*it’s “on line” not “in line,” you bucktoothed hayseed.
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