How to Host a Traveling Comedian

I won't stay for free with just anybody...

The author, on his way to not winning the 2021 Boston Comedy Festival

Great news - I’m doing comedy in your town next month. What’s that? Oh sure, I’d love to stay at your place. Thanks for the offer!

Sometimes clubs put me up in a hotel or condo, but I’m coming to a festival that doesn’t provide lodging. It’s actually better like this. If I got a room, we’d have dinner one night and then go our separate ways. Now, I’ll have the chance to get to know your second wife while I eat Honey Nut Cheerios in my pajamas at noon at your kitchen table. If she’s like my other buddies’ new brides, she might not realize how close we were 25 years ago and will ask more than once, “how long will you be staying?”

This is an excellent question because I really don’t know. If I do well in the early rounds, I’ll have more spots next week. So it’s probably best to leave things open-ended.

I realize that hosting an out-of-towner in your spare bedroom or basement might be slightly inconvenient, especially for the kids whose personal space I will occupy. But they’ll come around when they learn that your house guest / former fraternity brother has appeared on The Weather Channel, the TV Guide Channel, and once “shared the stage” with Jeff Dunham. Don’t worry – I haven’t let success go to my head.

“Do you have a plunger? I’ve been eating a lot of cheese lately…”

You’re probably wondering if I have any dietary restrictions. I do not. Just stock the kitchen with a broad selection of healthy entrees, fruits, vegetables, and low-sugar almond milk, please. And if cookies from your local bakery happen to show up, I won’t complain. (For real, buy some cookies.)

But don’t go to any trouble. Just ask your house manager to take care of it. You do have a house manager, don’t you?

I’ll want to unwind when I get home from shows well after midnight—don’t worry if your dog starts barking; I’m pretty chill about that kind of thing. I will have eaten earlier, but a nightcap of olives, artisanal cheeses, and a bottle of red would be dynamite—nothing fancy—maybe a California cabernet that retails for around $40. Come to think of it, let’s not quibble over a few bucks – get the $50 bottle.

I won’t want to make any noise cleaning up after I eat, so I’ll just leave the dirty dishes on the counter. Speaking of which, I know I shouldn’t smoke in the house, so I will put my cigarette butts in your favorite coffee mug and set it on top of your Big Green Egg.

Since I’m staying with you, you’ll definitely want to come see me perform! I’ll have as few as one but as many as five shows, all of which will require you to purchase a full-priced ticket and get a babysitter. Here’s a link to the club/brewery/coffee shop’s website – don’t forget to share it with all of your friends, as seats are definitely available.  

Btw, where do you keep the club soda? I may have spilled coffee on that white rug in your living room. It looks like it’s pretty new. Is it new? Also, do we have any more coffee?

I perform in the evenings, so I’m free all day. Let’s play golf at your country club! Oh, I forgot you don’t belong to one. Can you call one of your friends and score me a tee time? No, not at that club – get me on the other one that’s more exclusive. They’ll love hosting me, as I’ll tell them jokes on every single tee box and green.

With regard to that material, please don’t call me out when I’m running bits but pretend to be answering your question about how life is going. It’s going great. But you know what I need more than a Netflix half-hour special? Health insurance!

Ha ha.

Well, thanks for letting me stay with you, bro. I’m sorry your work schedule, doctor’s appointments, and parent-teacher meetings prevented us from hanging out more than we did. The good news is that I crushed the festival and “won” the chance to host a weekend at the local club next month.

Cool if I crash again?