31 Flavors of Comcast (a one-act play)

INT. COMCAST ICE CREAM SHOP, AFTERNOON

INT. COMCAST ICE CREAM SHOP, AFTERNOON

CUSTOMER: One scoop of vanilla ice cream, please.

SERVER: Great. That will be $100.

CUSTOMER: Really? $100 seems like a lot for a small serving.

SERVER: If I’m hearing you right, you’d like to save some money on your ice cream service. Is that correct?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

SERVER: Then let me tell you about our new ice cream bundles. For $8 I can get you one scoop of vanilla ice cream plus five scoops of pistachio, all covered in a quart of strawberry drizzle.

CUSTOMER: $8 is still a little steep, but fine. And I’ll just take the vanilla part, and you can keep all that other stuff, okay?

SERVER: Unfortunately, I can’t separate out any one flavor because we serve it only after mixing all the ingredients in our proprietary Xfensive Blender.™

CUSTOMER: But I’m looking at plain, unadulterated vanilla ice cream right there. Why do you have to pollute it with all that other stuff in order to price it lower?

SERVER: Corporate wants you to get the best value.

CUSTOMER: That doesn’t make any sense. Just charge me eight bucks for one scoop of vanilla and let me get on with my life.

SERVER: Sir, let me ask you a question, how will you be using your ice cream?

CUSTOMER: How am I going to use it? I’m going to put it in my damn mouth then swallow it.

SERVER: Ahh, you’re what we call a Tier 2 user. I’ve got just the package for you: for only $34.95 I can give you a gallon of vanilla with a pound of chocolate sprinkles.

CUSTOMER: A gallon? I only want a single scoop.

SERVER: The minimum order size is a gallon. Otherwise, we can’t waive the delivery fees and utensil rental charges.

CUSTOMER: Delivery and utensil rental? I’m going to carry it home and eat it with my own spoon.

SERVER: I’m afraid we can’t allow you to use your own equipment.

CUSTOMER: Why not?

SERVER: It might degrade the quality of our ice cream.

CUSTOMER: I can’t believe I’m having this conversation, but since there are no other ice cream shops anywhere around here, fine. One gallon. I’ll make some room in the freezer. But I don’t need the sprinkles.

SERVER: No sprinkles? How come? Everybody loves sprinkles.

CUSTOMER: I’m a purist. Sue me.

SERVER: It’s no problem. I’ll get you a gallon of vanilla and upgrade you to our ‘Sprinkles-free’ package for $44.95.

CUSTOMER: You’re going to charge me an additional $10 for not taking the sprinkles?

SERVER: Yes, and we’ll need to extend your contract another 18 months.

CUSTOMER: Wait — what contract?

SERVER: Your contract for daily delivery of sprinkles-free vanilla ice cream. Our technician will bring it to your house each day between 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. for the next three years.

CUSTOMER: Wait — a gallon of ice cream every day for three years? I have no idea what I’ll be hungry for a year from now. Plus the landscape of the ice cream marketplace is shifting so fast that your product could be totally obsolete by then.

SERVER: Sir, I’m trying to exceed your expectations here. But I can’t sell you just one scoop of ice cream.

CUSTOMER: Why not?

SERVER: Because we aren’t in the single serving business. We are in the Gelato-as-a-Service industry (GaaS). You know — the subscription economy and all that.

CUSTOMER: Gelato-as-a-Service? Why Gelato?

SERVER: Because ‘GaaS’ has a nice ring to it, and ’ICaaS’ sounds too much like ‘ISIS.’

CUSTOMER: So it’s 36 months or nothing?

SERVER: That’s correct. Subscription businesses garner crazy high valuations.

CUSTOMER: This is nonsense. I’m out of here.

SERVER: Wait — my supervisor just approved one final package to offer you. I can give you one scoop of vanilla ice cream in a cup for $8.

CUSTOMER: Yes. Fine. That’s all I wanted in the first place.

SERVER: But before I can serve you, I’ll have to come to your house and kick your dog.